Navigating Well-Meaning but Harmful Advice About Your Chronic Illness
Chronic pain and illness can be tough to manage because it's often invisible and misunderstood by those who don't live with them daily. You may feel alone or like no one understands what you're going through. One of the most difficult challenges is feeling dismissed by loved ones who deny that things are bad. It can be incredibly frustrating and disheartening when the people you care about most do not seem to understand or acknowledge the severity of your condition.
I remember having friends and family say things like, “Someday, all of this will make sense,” or “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
You might also hear a version of this:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“Hold onto hope. It will get better.”
“This isn’t all bad. There are lessons in this.”
“Try to see the silver lining.”
“Your body is just telling you what it needs.”
“This experience is an opportunity for growth.”
This doesn’t come from a lack of support, but it can come from not understanding that thinking positively doesn’t help. But if we peel back the layers, it also reveals a lack of tolerance for discomfort. In other words, they try to “fix” or change the situation (or your experience) because it is too uncomfortable for them.
Of course, that can leave you feeling dismissed and minimized.
If you are struggling with feeling dismissed by loved ones who deny that things are bad, here are some tips that might help:
Communicate clearly: It can be tempting to downplay the severity of your symptoms or avoid discussing them altogether to avoid conflict. However, being clear and honest with your loved ones about your feelings is essential. Use specific language to describe your symptoms and how they impact your daily life. Be honest about your struggles and your limitations.
Acknowledge their intention: The person using toxic positivity is likely trying to be supportive or helpful in some way. You can acknowledge this intention by saying, "I appreciate that you're trying to be positive, but I need to talk about how I'm feeling right now."
Educate your loved ones: Many people who dismiss the severity of a loved one's chronic illness do not understand the condition or its impact. Take the time to educate your loved ones about your illness. Provide them with information about your condition, its symptoms, and its treatment. Help them understand the physical, emotional, and financial toll your illness takes on you.
Express your feelings and needs: Let the person know how you feel and what you need from them. For example, you might say, "When you tell me just to think positive, it makes me feel like you don't understand how hard this is for me." If you need them to listen without offering solutions, say so. If you need validation or empathy, ask for it. Be clear and specific.
Offer an alternative: Instead of simply rejecting the person's attempt to be positive, offer an alternative response that would be more helpful. For example, you might say, "It would be really helpful if you could just listen and validate how I'm feeling right now."
Set boundaries: Changing how you engage with them may be necessary if your loved ones continue to minimize or dismiss your experience. Don’t stay stuck in the hurtful dynamic; do something to support yourself in this situation. Perhaps you need to spend less time with them or stop talking about your illness with them.
Seek support: Living with a chronic illness can be isolating, especially when your loved ones do not understand what you are going through. Seek out support from others who are going through similar experiences. Join a support group, connect with others online, or consider seeing a therapist specializing in chronic illness.
Practice self-care: Taking care of yourself physically and emotionally is important. Make time for activities that bring you joy, and prioritize your health and well-being.
In conclusion, feeling dismissed by loved ones who deny things are bad can be incredibly difficult for people with chronic illness. It's important to remember that toxic positivity is often well-intentioned but can still be harmful. By communicating clearly, educating your loved ones, setting boundaries, seeking support, and practicing self-care, you can help the person in your life understand how to be more supportive and empathetic.
