How to Get Out of “Rock and a Hard Place” Situations: The Secret to Empowered Decision-Making
Life has an uncanny talent for throwing us into tricky situations. Perhaps you made it here today because you're standing at a crossroads. You believe strongly in something, but your fear of ruffling feathers or losing your cozy comfort zone keeps you stuck. Are you in a "rock and a hard place" scenario?
I recently faced such a situation in a seemingly great relationship. Despite shared values, goals, and mutual understanding, deeper issues emerged, revealing stark differences in how we related to our inner worlds. Emotional clashes, unmet expectations, and mounting disappointment created a relationship saturated with fear and helplessness. The toll on my well-being became apparent through sleepless nights and physical symptoms.
Realizing the unsustainability of the relationship, I grappled with the decision to repair or end it. While envisioning a future together, I understood the potential toll on my mental and physical health. The decision-making process oscillated between pessimism and optimism, driven by my aversion to discomfort—fear of sadness, regret, tension, or exhaustion.
This familiar pendulum swing often blinds us to what truly matters, resulting in prolonged unhappiness and disempowerment. I employed a powerful decision-making exercise to cut through this confusion, which I'll share below.
Writing this down can help you avoid that negative bias, so please grab a few sheets of paper and a writing utensil.
I’ll tell you what I decided to do with my relationship later in this article. So read on if you’re curious.
01. Identify your options
In your current predicament, jot down the situation and consider two or three possible actions. For instance, if dealing with fat-phobic comments from a family member to your child, your choices could be confronting them, avoiding confrontation, or limiting your child's time with them.
02. Assess Workability
Evaluate how well each option aligns with your values. Prioritize the importance of your values over seeking comfort, considering factors like empowerment, personal integrity, and alignment with the life you envision.
Workability data isn’t always a clear “yes” or “no.” It can sometimes be an “it' depends” situation or a “this is somewhat workable, somewhat not workable.” Remember this as you answer the following questions for each of the Choices you identified in the last step.
Does this decision make you feel empowered or disempowered? Are you turning your personal power over to someone or something else? Do you feel like you’ve had to compromise an important part of yourself?
Does this choice open up your world or keep you stuck? In what ways does this move you toward the life you want? Or does it move you away from the life you envision for yourself?
Does this option make me feel good about myself? In other words, will you walk away with integrity? (Notice, I’m not asking whether you’ll walk away feeling good; I’m asking whether you’ll walk away feeling good about yourself.)
03. Identify Values
List all your personal values at play for each option. In the fat-phobic comments example, values might include wanting your child to grow up free from shame about appearance, setting boundaries, protecting your child, and valuing honest communication.
If you’re struggling with this part, here’s another way to think about values: What is important to you? Why do you care about this so much? What are the potential ways you can create meaning from this experience? How do you want to show up in the world? What do you want your life to be about?
04. Why is it so hard?
Acknowledge the discomfort associated with each choice. Identify the thoughts, feelings, memories, and sensations that make the decision challenging. Confronting these aspects may be uncomfortable, but it is crucial for clarity.
Again, with my example, the mother might feel tense, frozen, anxious, fearful, resentful, angry, sad, or the situation may stir up her own childhood memories of being criticized by her mother for not being thin enough.
05. Prioritize Values
Context plays a crucial role in decision-making, influencing the prioritization of values. Life is dynamic, and certain factors can significantly impact the relevance and importance of specific values at different times.
For instance, if you're grappling with health problems, your immediate priority might be to lower stress levels for overall well-being. In such contexts, self-care and stress reduction values could take precedence over other considerations.
Also, recognize that conflicting values are inherent in tough decisions. Life doesn’t usually allow us to always act on every value. Most of the time, we need to prioritize one value over another. All of your values remain valid and important, even when aligning with some but not others.
Look at all your values (across all your Choices), then circle the most crucial to you, narrowing them down to three or four. As you circle the values of utmost importance, consider your life's ongoing events and challenges. This awareness enables a more nuanced and flexible approach, ensuring that your decisions align with the current context and contribute to your overall well-being.
06. Make Room for the Sucky Stuff
Accept that discomfort is part of the decision-making process. Ask yourself if you are willing to endure unpleasant thoughts and feelings in order to make a values-driven choice. Reframe your mindset and focus on acting in accordance with your values.
Write this statement down for every value you circled in Step 05:
“I am willing to have [unpleasant thoughts and feelings] in order to [values-driven behavior].”
Closing Remarks
In summary, following this comprehensive decision-making process should clarify the most fitting course of action. Remember that life's circumstances are ever-changing, influencing the prioritization of values in the decision-making journey. If indecision lingers, consider experimenting with a choice to gauge its impact. Should internal discomfort impede your chosen path, revisit the willingness to endure it, as outlined in Step 05.
The key takeaway is to consistently prioritize your values over the pursuit of constant comfort, fostering a foundation for confident and authentic decision-making throughout life's dynamic twists and turns.
My Big Decision
After completing this exercise, I realized that attempting to repair my relationship would demand substantial effort and commitment from both of us. Recognizing my own limitations at that time and considering various contextual factors—such as the duration of the relationship, the extent of dysfunction, necessary personal growth, and even health considerations—I realized that the relationship wasn't salvageable without compromising some of my deeply held values. Ending the relationship, while undoubtedly challenging, was rooted in the awareness that sacrificing fundamental values wasn't a sustainable or acceptable solution for my well-being and personal growth.
