Life often presents us with paradoxes—those unexpected twists that challenge our assumptions and lead us down paths we never thought we’d travel. Our psychology, in all its complexities, is no stranger to such paradoxes. Today, I want to share with you five counterintuitive tips that have not only changed my perspective but have profoundly transformed my life. I invite you to ponder them, try them on for size, and see how they resonate with your own journey.

1. Emotions Are Valuable, Not Dangerous

Emotions: those elusive life companions. Often, we're told to rein them in, as if they were wild stallions threatening to run amok. But what if I told you that emotions are not unruly beasts to be tamed, but rather, trustworthy guides, leading you through life? Deadening them strips away the vibrancy of existence. Instead, listening to our emotions unveils what truly matters to us. They are the compass, pointing us toward our desires, fears, and joys. So, next time you feel that surge of emotion, pause, listen, and let it be your guide.

Let's clear up a common misconception: understanding the value of emotions doesn't mean we act on every whim they bring. Take, for instance, a moment at the playground with my niece. Picture this: another child unexpectedly jumps in front of her, sending her tumbling. In that split second, anger courses through me. My first instinct might urge me to confront the child, to defend my niece.

But what if I paused, and looked a little deeper? Beneath the anger, I find concern and love for my niece, a desire to shield her from harm. Acting on anger might feel justified, but would it truly serve her best interests? Instead, I choose a different path. I comfort my niece, validating her feelings, and showing her what grace looks like in action. Together, we navigate the situation with empathy and understanding, recognizing that sometimes, kids will be kids.

In these moments, emotions become our trusted companions, guiding us toward what truly matters. They are the compass that points us toward our deepest values, desires, and fears. So, the next time you feel that surge of emotion, take a moment. Listen, reflect, and let it guide you toward a more authentic response.

2. Safety Lies in Trusting Yourself

Imagine you are standing at the crossroads of a decision that could alter the course of your life. Do you seek safety in the familiar, or do you trust yourself to navigate uncharted waters?

Recently, I found myself pondering a significant change in my side gig—transforming the way I offer website services to therapists. It was a bold move, one that held the promise of growth but also the risk of failure. The thought of revamping my main product was exhilarating yet daunting. Would it pay off, not just for my business, but for the therapists I aim to assist? As I stood at the edge of this decision, I contemplated the months of hard work, problem-solving, and uncertainty that lay ahead. What if this bold move didn't yield the results I hoped for? What if it all went sideways, leaving me with nothing to show but lessons learned?

As I weighed the options, I confronted a crucial question: "Do I trust myself to handle the outcome, regardless of its success or failure?" The answer, after careful reflection, was a resounding "yes."

In that moment, I chose to lean into trust—trust in my abilities, resilience, and capacity to navigate the unknown. The decision was made: I will launch the new offering in the coming months, embracing the challenge with open arms.

This isn't just about business; it's about life. We are constantly faced with choices that demand courage and self-assurance. Whether it's pursuing a new career path, starting a passion project, or navigating a difficult relationship, the foundation of safety lies in trusting ourselves.

So, I invite you to consider: What decision awaits you at your crossroads? Do you trust yourself to weather uncertainty, to embrace the risks that lead to growth? Remember, safety is not found in predictability but in the unwavering belief that you have what it takes to thrive, no matter the outcome.

3. True Belonging Starts Within

The desire to belong is universal. Humans crave a sense of belonging because it fulfills our innate need for connection, understanding, and acceptance. It is in belonging that we find validation for our experiences, shared joys, and a sense of being truly seen. Yet, sometimes, we find ourselves seeking this sense of belonging from unreliable sources, unaware that true belonging resides within.

I once believed that belonging was found in the laughter of friends, a response to my text message, “likes” on a Facebook post, or the acceptance of a group. Yet, in seeking these external validations, I discovered an insatiable hunger that could not be satiated by outside sources alone. Despite getting all these hits of belonging, I felt disconnected and fearful.

Over time, I began to see that true belonging starts within. When I peeled back the layers of expectations, comparisons, and fears, I found the quiet sanctuary of self-acceptance waiting patiently.

Imagine a time when you felt the pressure to conform, to blend into the crowd for fear of standing out. Perhaps, like me, you found yourself nodding along to conversations that didn't align with your beliefs, or laughing at jokes that left a bitter taste in your mouth.

In these moments, we forfeit a piece of ourselves, trading authenticity for the fleeting comfort of fitting in. Yet, the irony is this: the more we try to fit into someone else's mold, the more we lose sight of our true essence. When I embraced the truth that I belong to myself first and foremost, the need for external validation melted away. Community and connection transformed from a search for belonging to a celebration of mutual respect and understanding. Knowing that I am whole on my own opened doors to genuine relationships built on shared experiences, not dependencies.

How do you know if you're caught in the web of seeking belonging outside yourself? Here are some signs to ponder:

Constant Approval-Seeking: Do you often seek validation and approval from others, making your self-worth dependent on their opinions?
Changing Yourself to Fit In: Have you ever molded your personality, interests, or beliefs to match those of the people you want to belong with?
Fear of Being Alone: Does the thought of solitude or being without company fill you with anxiety, leading you to avoid being alone at all costs?
Comparison and Envy: Do you frequently compare yourself to others, feeling inadequate or envious of their achievements or relationships?
Overcommitting to Please Others: Is your schedule filled with obligations and activities that don't truly align with your values, simply to please others or avoid disappointing them?
Difficulty Saying No: Do you struggle to set boundaries or say "no," fearing rejection or conflict?
Feeling Empty Despite Social Connections: Despite being surrounded by people, do you still feel a sense of emptiness or disconnection, as if something essential is missing?

If any of these resonate with you, it might be a gentle nudge from within, urging you to reevaluate where you seek your sense of belonging.

4. Silence Speaks Volumes

There is a call to speak up, particularly for women, to raise our voices in the name of change and progress. Yet, in the cacophony of opinions and voices, it's worth considering: is it enough to simply speak, or must we speak with purpose?

For those of us driven by the belief that having a voice means using it relentlessly, there's a subtle yet profound truth to be uncovered. Speaking up, sharing our truths, and claiming our space in the conversation is undeniably important. However, how we wield our voices can determine whether we truly resonate with others or risk falling on deaf ears.

So, what does it mean to speak effectively? Allow me to draw your attention to Martin Luther King Jr.'s iconic "I Have a Dream" speech. One of King's remarkable abilities was his profound connection with his audience. He didn't just deliver a speech; he created an experience—an exchange of energy and understanding.

King had a relationship with his audience. He tuned into their energy, drawing strength and inspiration from the collective pulse. This connection transformed the event from a mere speech into a transformative experience—one that stirred hearts and moved people to action.

So, the question beckons: When you speak, are you present enough to tune into the energy of your audience? Do you approach your words to foster understanding and connection, rather than simply making noise?

In a world that champions "Speak your truth" as gospel, I found liberation in the unspoken. Not every thought needs a vocal audience, and not every silence needs to be filled. I've learned to discern the moments when my words are best left unsaid, reserving them for when they truly matter. Funny enough, the less I speak, the more I find myself truly listening—and isn’t that where the magic of conversation lies?

5. Embrace Failure as a Stepping Stone

Here's a secret: Failure is not the opposite of success; it's a vital ingredient. My journey to success has been paved with missteps, wrong turns, and glorious failures. Rather than a mark of defeat, I see failure as a testament to my courage to try. Embracing the messy, imperfect path of growth has allowed me to be gentle with myself. It's in those moments of failure that I unearth resilience, determination, and a profound love for the journey itself.

Embracing a growth mindset takes more than just deciding to change your beliefs. Begin by taking calculated risks in low-stakes situations. This could be trying a new hobby, exploring a different route to work, or initiating a conversation outside your comfort zone. Each small success builds confidence in your ability to navigate uncertainty. Over time, you’ll be able to recall instances in your life where taking a risk led to positive outcomes. This reflection can serve as a source of motivation and courage.

As you challenge yourself more and more, notice the inner dialogue that tells you to play it safe or avoid failure at all costs. Don’t get caught up in these thoughts. Just remind yourself that these thoughts are expected and you don’t have to do what they say. Also, understand that failure is a natural part of the human experience. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding when things don't go as planned.

One trick I like to do is imagine the worst-case scenario of a potential failure. Then, I visualize how I would bounce back, learn from the experience, and eventually succeed. This mental rehearsal prepares me to face challenges with resilience.

By incorporating these practices into daily life, you can gradually shift your relationship with failure. Instead of viewing it as a barrier, failure becomes a guide—an essential part of the journey toward success and personal growth.

6. Grief: The Echo of a Life Well Lived

Grief—the unwelcome guest that arrives unannounced, its presence unpredictable yet undeniably potent. As I’ve faced loss and healing, I've learned that grief has a way of ebbing and flowing, revealing its complexities in unexpected moments.

A recent experience that brought this truth to light. I've never been one to mark dates on the calendar or in my mind—birthdays of loved ones I’ve lost, anniversaries of loss, or significant milestones often passed without stirring the depths of my emotions. These days were simply dates, devoid of any triggers.

However, this year, on the anniversary of my father's death, grief came crashing in. I found myself enveloped in emotions—grief-stricken, sad, and even angry. It was as though all the intricate layers of mourning my father's absence, which had lain dormant for years, suddenly surfaced with undeniable force.

Even though I know that grief does this, it was surprising and uncomfortable. Yet, amid the emotions, I found a strange sense of gratitude. This unexpected wave of grief became a poignant reminder of the profound impact my father had on my life. It was a stark reflection of the void left by his absence and the complexities of our relationship.

I saw clearly how much he meant to me, and how his choices as a father shaped my path. It was an opportunity to acknowledge the pain of my younger self, who yearned for a father's love that was often elusive.

Through the lens of grief, I saw the threads that connected my past to my present. I recognized how I had chosen to be a better friend, a better therapist, a better auntie—drawing strength from the scars of my wounds. It reminded me of the depth of my capacity to care, to heal, and to nurture meaningful relationships.

This unexpected visit from grief reaffirmed the significance of the relationships that shape my life. It highlighted the importance of honoring our pain, embracing our vulnerabilities, and recognizing the profound impact we can have on others.

In the dance of grief and remembrance, I found a deeper appreciation for the joy woven with sorrow, the healing intertwined with loss. And through it all, I emerged with a renewed sense of purpose, a deeper understanding of myself, and an unwavering gratitude for the love that continues to guide me forward.

Grief is the price we pay for a life rich with significance. Grief whispers of the investments we've made, the connections we've cherished, and the experiences that have shaped us. Rather than shying away from grief, welcome it as proof of a life lived boldly. For every tear shed, there's a story of love, passion, and unwavering commitment.