When Illness Squashes All Your Dreams
Pretend I had a Magic Wand and when I waved it, I could take everything stressful away from your life. All your worries about work, family, health, relationships... *poof* GONE!
Now, what would you do differently? What would your life look like now? Sometimes it's fun to fantasize about a better life.
But it can also be difficult. For me, chronic illness had this way of shutting off all my dreams. My mind used to get so preoccupied with the anticipation of another surgery or another health setback that I had little room to think about living my life well. At times, I couldn't bear the vulnerability and disappointment of believing that I may never be able to travel with Crohn's disease ("what will I eat?") or that I may never have the bandwidth to write my first cookbook ("the stress will certainly catapult me into a flare"). I noticed a battle raging in my mind: "don't get your hopes up, you have a chronic illness" or "stop being a dreamer." Phooey!
What dreams do you cling to? A bigger house? An exotic vacation? A husband? A promotion? Being healthy and fit? I suppose you probably didn't wake up this morning with a perfect plan for how you will achieve these goals. You want the bigger house now and you needed that vacation yesterday. So what about today? What makes today special? This day where you woke up with a sink full of dishes, running late for work, no husband to help with your kid's homework, and your hair is, well, seen better days. What about today?
People get attached to the better job, the bigger home, the more __________ (fill in the blank) spouse, optimal health, and the perfect body, that no matter where they are now the where-they-are-not always seems better. Everything you attach to adds weight on your back and it only gets heavier. Life, and all it's curve balls, makes it impossible to move with such a weight.
You're always going to be some version of where you are now and where you want to be. For those managing a difficult illness, you're always going to be some version of "sick" and some version of "well." For those seeking a fit body, you're always going to be floating between your can-barely-walk-up-a-flight-stairs self and the fantasy of your healthy and lean self. Your goal is to be intentional with that space between. Your life is unfolding in that time. Your life is now, in this moment. And in this one. This moment is valuable and joyful even though it might also house illness, grief, pain, anticipation, worry, or disappointment.
Expecting good things to last and bad things to go away is not realistic. The act of clinging to anything, or being overly invested in momentary joys or disasters, will always put you at risk for vulnerability and disappointment. The practice of non-clinging can help you to become more welcoming, accepting, and open to whatever comes your way, so you can move and adapt when change comes or your expectations aren't fulfilled. With or without the struggle, things are always changing. By not attaching to any of those stories you're not being complacent; you're being realistic. Commit to a life of vitality and harmony, and commit to letting go when you need to.
So maybe your dreams won't come true. That's okay because tomorrow might bring a new story. And the day after that another one entirely. Hold your dreams, but hold them gently. Accept that your life, as it is now, is exactly where it's supposed to be. Soften your approach and let appreciation fill your heart with gratitude for the things this moment has in store for you.
