How to Deal With the Guilt of Outgrowing Your Relationships

Every so often I get a question from a client or follower that I feel could be very helpful to others going through the same thing. Here’s one I got this week about outgrowing relationships:

Question:

“I‘ve changed so much since I got sick 5 years ago. I see the world differently now. Even my values have shifted - I realize the value of self-awareness, compassion, and healthy boundaries. Now, I don’t feel as fulfilled in some of my relationships with friends and family because we don’t value the same things anymore and I feel like they haven’t grown in the same ways I have. I know it’s not realistic to expect them to change, but I sometimes feel guilty about changing. I also feel guilty about wanting them to grow up.”

Answer:

Thanks for such a great question!

It sounds like you’re struggling against a social expectation that says that you shouldn’t change, or if you do, that you should compromise those changes in your relationships. I understand the struggle because your life is much better since you made these changes! Am I right?! I also understand that it’s really uncomfortable when you begin to realize that a relationship doesn’t serve you in the way it used to.

While you’re feeling more fulfilled in your life, it’s true that growing and changing can create new problems to navigate.

Let’s look more closely at the guilt you’re experiencing. Guilt is basically anxiety - you’re afraid something bad will happen. Perhaps you’re worried that your loved ones will judge or reject you if you start holding different expectations, set firmer boundaries, or even distance yourself from them.

Perhaps you’re worried that if you start ending relationships, you’ll feel more alone.

Or maybe you’re worried about judgments, like “you’re selfish,” or “you’re mean.” These might come from you or others.

I have always argued that changing should be something admired and encouraged in people, rather than shamed or ridiculed. Changing means you’re progressing. It means you’re re-evaluating your priorities and growing.

Not to mention, the world is changing—so if you’re not changing with it, then you’re getting left behind!

Relationships not being static is probably the hardest lesson to learn at any age. However, it is a necessary and normal part of life.

So what do you do?

I’m not going to give you an easy solution. That’s because I want the solution to come from you.

I will say this though: Don’t act on guilt. When you act on guilt, you’re letting fear take the steering wheel. You’re letting emotions dictate your life, not your values.

Acting on values means following your heart. It might be difficult, but it will also mean that you’re living your life honestly and authentically. Perhaps you need to have tough conversations. Maybe you need to hold some boundaries that might change the nature and quality of the relationship. Or maybe it’s time to end it.