Why You Can’t Just “Set Better Boundaries” (and What to Do Instead)

Why You Can’t Just “Set Better Boundaries” (and What to Do Instead)

Everywhere you look, someone’s telling you to set better boundaries.

Say no more often.

Protect your peace.

Put yourself first.

You’ve probably tried that.

You’ve read the articles, listened to the podcasts, maybe even rehearsed the exact words you’ll say next time someone crosses a line.

But when you finally do say no, you either feel guilty and second-guess yourself—or you explode with resentment because you’ve had enough.

If that sounds familiar, you’re not failing at boundaries. You’re trying to apply a surface-level fix to something that runs much deeper.

The Real Reason Boundary Advice Falls Flat

Most “how to set boundaries” tips miss what’s actually going on underneath: You don’t struggle with boundaries because you lack communication skills or confidence. You struggle because somewhere along the way, you learned that your safety, belonging, or worth depended on staying attuned to others.

Maybe you were praised for being dependable, helpful, or easygoing.

Maybe conflict in your family felt unsafe.

Maybe you learned that being “the one who holds it all together” made you lovable.

So when you try to pull back now, your body interprets it as danger. That’s not a lack of willpower. It’s a nervous system doing its best to keep you safe in the way it always has.

The Learning Curve No One Talks About

When people first start practicing boundaries, they often swing between two extremes: overdoing or underdoing.

Sometimes boundaries come out as demands or ultimatums—a frustrated attempt to reclaim space after years of overfunctioning. This is the “I’m done!” energy that bursts through once burnout hits. It’s fueled by resentment, not clarity.

Other times, boundaries are too soft or inconsistent—delivered with hesitation, apologies, or quick reversals when someone pushes back. That usually comes from fear of losing connection or disappointing others.

Both are understandable. Both are signs of progress. You’re experimenting with a new skill while your body still remembers what it cost you to speak up.

Healthy boundaries eventually emerge from a steadier place. Not exhaustion, not guilt, but grounded self-trust.

Why Knowing What to Say Isn’t Enough

Most people already know what they should say. The hard part is holding steady after you’ve said it.

That discomfort that floods your chest after you send the “I can’t take that on right now” text? That’s your nervous system protesting the unfamiliar.

Boundaries require tolerance for discomfort, not just better scripts.

Try:

• Practicing in low-stakes situations first.

• Noticing how your body reacts when you protect your time.

• Reframing guilt as a signal that you’re doing something new, not something wrong.

• Focusing less on what others “should” do and more on what you can control—your choices, your follow-through, your self-care afterward.

The Bigger Picture: It’s Not All on You

It’s also worth naming that this isn’t just a personal problem.

Women, especially those socialized to caretake, are rewarded for overfunctioning. Workplaces, families, and even friendships often depend on someone like you quietly picking up the slack.

You can’t fix burnout inside the same system that caused it.

So yes, you’ll work on your side of the pattern, but part of healing is recognizing that the world benefits when you stay tired and compliant. Seeing that clearly helps you resist the pressure to over-give.

So What Does Work?

Think of boundaries not as rigid walls, but as living agreements: ways of relating that protect your energy and make real connection possible.

Before setting a new boundary, pause and ask:

• What do I need right now to feel steady?

• Where am I overfunctioning to earn belonging?

• What would honoring my energy look like today, even if no one notices?

When boundaries come from clarity and care, not exhaustion or fear, they don’t break relationships, they strengthen them.

And if you’re ready to stop overdoing, over-giving, and over-functioning, therapy can help you build those boundaries from the inside out.

Exploring how these themes resonate in your own life? Therapy can be a place to unpack, find clarity, and move forward in a way that feels true to you. If you’re interested in seeing how we might work together, please review my specializations in the “Specializations” menu at the top of the page. I provide therapy to women in Bainbridge Island and across Washington State.