Why it's Hard to Ask for Help

Why It’s Hard to Ask for Help

Many women I work with tell me they struggle to ask for help, even when they desperately need it.

If you identify with being independent and self-sufficient this can become especially clear. You probably managed everything yourself when life was simpler. But now, doing it all alone might be taking a serious toll on your body and your well-being.

So why is it so hard to ask for help?

The Hidden Guilt Behind Independence

Most people who avoid asking for help say it makes them feel guilty. They worry that reaching out will inconvenience someone, that they’ll be seen as needy, lazy, or dependent.

But guilt is often a cover for something deeper: fear.

A fear of being judged.
A fear of rejection.
A fear of becoming a burden.

And often, that fear didn’t start in adulthood. It began in childhood.

When You Grew Up with Passive Parenting

I’ve noticed that many of my clients who struggle to ask for help grew up with passive parents.

A passive parent might seem easygoing, warm, and approachable on the surface. But when emotions ran high, they disappeared, either physically or emotionally.

They avoided conflict, downplayed problems, and left you to figure things out on your own. They may have offered little guidance yet expected you to be self-sufficient. Sometimes, they even leaned on you to meet their emotional needs.

You learned quickly not to expect much help.

When you reached out, you might have been ignored, dismissed, or made to feel like your needs were too much. The lesson sank in: it’s safer not to ask.

How Those Lessons Show Up Now

That old conditioning follows you into adulthood.

You take pride in being capable, reliable, and independent. But when life gets harder, when illness, stress, or exhaustion set in, you still push yourself to keep up.

Even when you need help, asking for it feels unbearable. It brings up the same fear of disappointment or rejection you felt as a child.

So you stay silent. You overextend yourself. You tell others you’re fine, even when you’re not.

But in doing so, you rob the people who love you of the chance to show up for you.

What Asking for Help Really Means

Asking for help is not weakness. It’s trust. It’s allowing someone to meet you where you are.

Your needs are not a burden. They’re an expression of your humanity.

Letting others help you does not make you dependent. It makes you connected.

The truth is, the people who care about you want to be there. It gives them purpose and strengthens your bond.

You don’t have to do it all alone anymore.

Your needs matter. Your life matters. You matter. Let this be the moment you stop equating help with weakness and start seeing it as a bridge back to connection.

Exploring how these themes resonate in your own life? Therapy can be a place to unpack, find clarity, and move forward in a way that feels true to you. If you’re interested in seeing how we might work together, please review my specializations in the “Specializations” menu at the top of the page. I provide therapy to women in Bainbridge Island and across Washington State.