Stop Trying to “Choose Joy”: Why You Can’t Think Your Way Out of Hard Feelings

The Problem With “Just Be Happy” Advice

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me to “choose joy,” I could retire and live in a cabin by the sea. The phrase sounds harmless, even empowering. But it’s also deeply misleading.

Clients tell me versions of the same thing all the time:
“I don’t want to feel this way anymore.”
“How can I make this anxiety go away?”
“What do I have to do to stop feeling lonely, bored, or stressed?”

We’re taught to believe that we can control our emotional state. That if we go for a walk, call a friend, or count to ten, we’ll feel better. And sure, those things might help in the moment. But when we treat emotions like switches we can flip off, we set ourselves up for endless frustration.

The Ego and the Illusion of Control

The desire to always feel good comes from the ego. The ego thinks it’s the one running the show. It believes that if it just works harder, it can make unpleasant thoughts and feelings disappear.

But here’s the truth: you don’t have that kind of control. If you did, you’d simply decide, “I don’t want to feel anxious,” and anxiety would vanish. You’d say, “I don’t want to think about that,” and your mind would fall silent.

Instead, the ego keeps you busy with a never-ending chase. You spend your days running from discomfort and grasping at pleasure, trying to stay one step ahead of pain. And every time you feel bad again, you think you’ve failed.

The Endless Chase

We do this in big and small ways.

You finally get a promotion, and instead of savoring it, you rush to celebrate so you can feel even better.
You have an uncomfortable thought and instantly try to replace it with a positive one.
You tell a friend to “just stop comparing herself” as if that’s how minds work.

We fight thoughts and feelings like we’re in a lifelong game of whack-a-mole. But it doesn’t work. The harder you fight what’s happening inside, the stronger it gets.

The Trap of the Ego

The ego is like a tiny dictator convinced it runs the world. It thrives on desire and aversion—chasing what feels good and avoiding what doesn’t. That constant push and pull creates suffering.

When you try to control what you think or feel, you end up trapped inside your own resistance. You start to believe that happiness is something you have to earn by “fixing” yourself. You read another self-help book, pour another glass of wine, or binge another show. You’re trying to escape yourself instead of meeting yourself.

What Freedom Actually Looks Like

Emotionally healthy people don’t “choose joy” every day. They don’t have perfect control over their minds. What they do have is awareness.

They know they can’t stop difficult thoughts or feelings from arising—but they can stop fighting them. They can allow them to exist without letting them take over. That’s where real peace comes from.

Acceptance doesn’t mean you like what’s happening. It means you stop insisting that things should be different in this moment.

Try saying this: “Whatever is happening is what I want to be happening.”

It’s not a trick. It’s a shift in relationship. The moment you stop resisting your experience, you start living it instead of fighting it.

If you want to be more mindful and less reactive, and find real peace through acceptance, therapy can help. Start your journey today.

Exploring how these themes resonate in your own life? Therapy can be a place to unpack, find clarity, and move forward in a way that feels true to you. If you’re interested in seeing how we might work together, please review my specializations in the “Specializations” menu at the top of the page. I provide therapy to women in Bainbridge Island and across Washington State.